Tales of catastophe, sex and squalor from the Alpine Underbelly...

Belle de Neige

Monday, 22 December 2014

Cunts that ski in jeans

Nothing much doing on the good slopes of the Alps at the moment, if snow reports are to be believed. And if the snow reports are saying no snow, then there really must be fuck all, because usually, they lie through their teeth to stop poor unfortunate souls from canceling their holidays.

Alpe d'huez. Mega Bon.

And as for you...my little over-enthusiastic, bright-eyed, bushy tailed chalet bitches, I'm sure life has been delightful, with your first week guests languishing in a crestfallen heap on your chalet couch whinging at you because there's no snow. Like you can do something about it. Like you're some kind of all-powerful genie that can conjure a blizzard out of your arsehole.

If this season turns out to be a still birth, I'm gonna lose my shit. For a start I just splashed out a whole load of moular on a new ski jacket, and if I don't get to wear it then the full on toddler tantrum is getting whopped out. Toys out of pram. Fucking yard sale.

Ski shopping is the only thing that makes this time of year bearable when you're at home. And it's not like there isn't much choice out there.The sheer quantity of stash means that these days, you really have no excuses heading out looking like a tool.

...Which is why it's not only inexcusable but completely incomprehensible, yet nevertheless a fact, that this season, you will witness some cunt skiing in jeans.

Yeah... you know the look:

It's a sad, sad sight.

"Can I ski in jeans?"

This is a genuine question asked on 'Yahoo Answers'. That strange phenomenon used by people who don't understand about Google. To be honest, if you're asking this question, it's a fair assumption that you don't understand much about anything, and are quite likely some sort of dribbling buffoon, so even if you're not new to skiing, you're quite probably fairly spasticated and will be spending quite a bit of time on your arse whatever happens. So it's a bad idea from the outset.

Can I ski in jeans. Hmmm. Let's examine the evidence shall we?

Here is one of those French or Eastern European dudes you see on an impromptu jaunt on Sunday afternoons....

I mean, I just want to know, what happens here? What is the thought process? You're on the main road from Nice to Paris, you see some mountains and think... fuck it! You pull over, grab the hi vis jacket from the boot of the car, roll up your jeans, tuck your vest into your underpants and away you go, your dignity flapping in the wind. I mean, in one respect I admire the spontaneity...but, dude... your balls!

Jeans are made of denim, which is made of cotton. A super-absorbent, poorly-insulating, heavy, rough material, invented to make tents, or be worn to mine coal and ride horses in the desert. Now let's think about what this material might do to your delicate, bare-naked skin when worn in a wet, sub-zero environment, going at speed. I mean...maybe you like a sub-zero wind-chill breezing past your balls. Maybe you enjoy the aching sensation of frost-bite as it gradually ravages your butt-cheeks half way up the chairlift. Maybe you like having your lettuce flaps chaffed to the point where you're bleeding down your bible gap and your between-the-thigh area looks like you have advanced Ebola. Each to their own.

Would you go jogging in jeans? Would you go rock climbing in jeans? No! They are really fucking restrictive and more importantly you'd look like a complete retard. Personally I prefer something warm, dry and cushion-y soft between my thighs at all times.

Well, not at all times. Y'know. Sometimes I like to straddle something rough and rub my groin against it but that's another story for another day.

So in answer to this most earnest question. Yeah, sure, you can ski in jeans. You can do whatever the fuck you want. You can wear a mink coat to go scuba diving. Or sky dive in a straight jacket. You could try mud wrestling wearing a tin-foil toga or go on an Amazonian trek in a rubber gimp suit. Of course you'll probably fucking die...but hey, it's your funeral! Knock yourself out.