|Bridget Jones' Cunt|
Ahhh, my dear newbie seasonnaires, allow me to assist. The fact that you are asking these questions is good. You have foresight. You will do well. I have foreseen it!
The next 6 months is your big chance. If you do this right, you're in for a treat...
Stuff you might not know you'll need:
- A 4 plug strip socket with at least 2 metres of cable - believe me, you will thank me.
- A multitool - in case you drunkenly destroy anything in your accommodation and need to fix it.
- Some extra cash for the avalanche training and beeps you will inevitably want once you get a sniff of going off piste with your insane room mate.
- Some really loud speakers for accommodation rave ups
- A shit load of condoms
- Bondage tape (my personal preference, but you never know who'll you'll want to tie up and spank)
- Yorkshire teabags (if you value tea as much as I do. The French / Austrians / Swiss do not understand these things)
- Branston pickle (same reason)
- Download a shit load of films in case (in the highly likely event) you can't get wifi in your accommodation
- Hide my Ass VPN - so you can watch BBC stuff on your laptop while hibernating under your duvet on a hangover / whiteout day.
- Spirits - If you're in France this is particularly important as the only decent shot they have is that revolting shite Genepi which tastes like your Granny's perfume.. Seriously it's the most foul tasting thing you'll ever experience. Also, booze is expensive in ski resorts so it's good to have a stash.
- A hip flask. Always a good bonding strategy with new chums on a chairlift.
- Head torch - for lights-out-cunnilingus
|So hot right now|
- Fancy dress - I'd suggest a Gorilla costume or something similar. Otherwise you'll end up having to go to every themed seasonnaire evening as some kind of tin-foil-cardboard fuck up. Don't buy a Kigu they are so 5 seasons ago.
- A full course of antibiotics
- Swimming stuff ( in case you start shagging someone who works in a private chalet...although come to think of it you probably won't need the swimmers in that case)
- Flip flops - a must for end of season sun
- A jacket and a pair of gloves that you don't mind getting covered in shite (stacking wood / partying)
- Waxing and edging tools - will save you money / buy you street cred (might even earn you some cash if you do your friends' skis)
Stuff you might not know you won't need (are you confused? I am.)
- Half the clothes you've packed
- Anything fancy
- Ugg boots, trainers, ballet flats or doc martins - firstly because you don't want to look like a cunt, secondly because they are totally useless.
Get a pair of these:
Oh yes. Also ....leave behind any ski equipment you bought prior to being a seasonnaire. Remember that Spyder ski jacket and blades you bought? Yeah. They're not cool, I'm afraid. Steeze yourself out.
Also, watch this film
Pay heed to this
...and some words of advice....
Say yes to everything, see everyone as a potential buddy, don't stay in, go out... shag wherever possible... don't whinge....do your job properly...and for Christ's sake...SKI (or snowboard)! Even if you've had 1/2 an hour's sleep and worked a six hour shift and you can only fit an hour in...SKI! Don't be a pussy.
There, consider yourself initiated.