Tales of catastophe, sex and squalor from the Alpine Underbelly...

Belle de Neige

Monday, 14 October 2013

Essential Seasonnaire Lingo: Part 1

Perusing the clandestine world of ski forums such as www.natives.com recently I have been enjoying the opportunity of dispensing all sorts of (highly suspect) advice to newbie seasonnaires. Those that know me might detect an overtone of slight bitterness, but this is mainly to do with the fact that I myself am not actually doing  a ski season this year.



Still. I like to use my experience for a good cause. So I've been putting together a glossary of essential and pretentious terminology for the new-kids-on-the-mountain so they can stride about resort with confidence, come December. Ladies this is particularly useful for you  when you're being chatted up by some snowboard bore in the local bar. You know, the overenthusiastic retarded type with a ridiculous goggle tan who can’t talk about anything except with detailed descriptions of all the tricks he did that day…

“…and then I did a heelside turn and just corked  all the way down…blah blah blah…”

At least if you're genned up on lingo, you can a) have a fart's chance in understanding what he's blathering on about b) know that he's talking shite and punch his lights out.....

So here you go:

Glossary

Punter – A paying ski customer/ anyone sporting an all-black ski outfit or gear made by Spyder with some sort of silly hat and / or wankers who wear sunglasses with a helmet.

Name: Punter - Common or garden variety. Also called 'wanker'

Riding switch – The art of skiing backwards. Usually the practice of show-offs, lunatics, park rats, and beginners who have lost control.

Park Rat – Casual, Alpine-getto-garbed hoodlums who are not happy unless sailing through the air upside-down all day. Often to be heard boasting about various shattered limbs.

Cool? 'Fraid not.... 

Onesie – All in one ski suit. Your common or garden variety usually comes with a bum bag, big pouffy shoulder pads and is often worn by awesome ski veterans or 19-year-olds who think they are being ‘ironic’. Camel toe is a given.

Sailing pretty close to the camel there, if you ask me, Maz.

Fresh Tracks - The golden fleece. When achieved is arguably superior to any other feeling on earth. A single line, cut through a field of pristine, untouched virgin snow.

Beeps – Avalanche equipment. Only twats attempt fresh powder without it.

Pow – an abbreviation of ‘powder’ used by individuals who are either too lazy or too important to say the whole word. You should not attempt to use this terminology unless you are 100% certain you have achieved the necessary level of mountain credibility or you will look like a dick. i.e. Imagine this phrase from the lips of Piers Morgan: “Right, let’s go and shred the pow guys. Yah.”
Icky.

First Lifts – The first round of chairs before the lift completes its first rotation in the morning. Often intended, rarely achieved, by boozing punters the Alps over.

If only they'd taken this from the front.

Dins – DIN settings. A German standard for the release settings on your ski bindings determined by a combination of your height, weight and boot…Fairly important to know about if you want to avoid rearranging your joints.

Bluebird – It has snowed all night and then you awake to wall to wall blue sky and fresh, untouched powder. A feeling akin to Christmas morning when you’re six years old. Possibly better than sex. Well, oral sex at least.

Cum, in my pants.

Corduroy – The corrugated trails left on the piste first thing in the morning after they’ve been groomed. Very satisfying to ski on. Punters often mistakenly think being the first one to hit this stuff is the same as getting first tracks. It’s not.

Gold Rush – The last two weeks of the season when everyone panic shags.

Jager Bomb – Foul, repulsive drink invented by Satan. A shot glass of Jager dropped inside a one third full tumbler of Red Bull. Toxic. Starts your engine like a mother fucker though.

Jager Mega drive – A Jager Bomb with an added shot of blue Curacao and Cassis. What to drink if Jager Bombs aren’t working.
 
Part 2 coming soon...

In the mean time here's all you need to know about seasons in one informative video...

22 comments:

  1. I LOVE YOU SO MUCH

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  2. Very good. I'm all over the Mega Drive now. You are to blame for all shenanigans that unfolds.

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    1. But also...don't forget to report back with full details of these shenanigans you speak of...

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  3. Careful with those... they are dangerous

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  4. I feel that whilst you are totally right about the wankers in Spyder gear that spout bollocks about Pow and Tracks, you have negated to mention the "fuck it, lets go skiing" brigade. These people are gems. I really admire them because of their audacity (genuinely) . Usually never been skiing before and just rent skis & hit the slopes (sorry). They are easily identified by their everyday going out jeans, rental boots and some form of either Strathclyde County Council Donkey Jacket or Highways Agency Hi-Viz raincoat. Why I admire them is because within a couple oh hours they are actually skiing, albeit worryingly, to a far better standard than their fully kitted up counterparts getting group lessons. Is there still time for a panic shag ?

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  5. Oh, Anonymous. You've opened up a can of worms here. I know these types well...My next blog post may have to be an in depth study of 'Cunts, and why skiing in jeans makes you into one'...

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    1. Im looking forward to that blog. I did have a huge collection of pictures collated from various ski trips of Retro wearers, but the ones that haven't bothered to buy anything new...ever, as opposed to those trying to be "trendy". I think my next mission will be pictures of "Cunts" in jeans and/or donkey jackets. BTW my request for a panic shag was genuine and I'm upset that it didn't even warrant a No :-)

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    2. I think you should share some of those pictures. I think I could make excellent use of them!

      And darling, I can't reply to all requests for shags. I'd have a queue round the block. But I don't want to hurt your feelings. Perhaps we could sext?

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  6. Belle I love you!
    Can you do another little post on ski fashion? This may sound really stupid or superficial, but are there any types of ski helmets that are just plain lame? I'm going out for my first season and want to try not to look like a giant nerd with a HUGE helmet. Merci beaucoup

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    1. Barry Von TwerkleTink16 October 2013 09:57

      Avoid anything with built in 'visor'. Also avoid anything egg shaped (Seriously why do people buy those?). Personal opinion... shit loads of air vents make you look like a twat.

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    2. Hmmmm, helmets.... i'm sure that can be arranged!

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  7. Definitely want a shag, I'm back in the country after my summer season end of October...it's a shame I couldn't drive back in time for the pork fest you had over the weekend

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    1. Just to warn you, watch it because SbH now thinks you're up for a 3 way. Anyhoo I'm sure we can organise some more pork for you luv.

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  8. Have duly noted all of the above - much appreciated :-) Bloody jäger bombs though - far too many nights I've ended up jäger-bombed. Have taken the sensible approach for my first season and arranged to meet one of the serial seasonnaires in the pub before getting the coach to France .... I don't see how this possibly go wrong ...

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  9. Brilliant writing. I've just discovered your blog and binge read back to 2010. Really great witty fucking hilarious writing.
    Please... More.

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  10. Oh yes, Starfish, that sounds like a really good idea. Why don't you make like a couple of my mates and drop some diazepam and a bottle of scotch on the way there. Should make the coach trip much more interesting. TKP, thanks! More is coming. Stay tuned :)

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  11. Starfish, I'm sure you'll be fine, but my last experience of mixing seasonnaire wreckage and bus travel was one of those educational experiences you tend to have at the end of your teens. Nothing wrong with it, really, but if you're going to vomit on yourself while trying to inveigle your way into a post bus trip shag and then spend the rest of the journey sleeping it off in the stairwell, it's better to do it on the way home than on the way out there...

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    1. Agreed... although it would be a much funnier story if she did it on th eway out there...

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  12. Noted - I'll decide which seems like it'll be more amusing and / or humiliating and go with that - I may even report back ... might leave the diazepam out of it though otherwise I'll just be dribbling quietly on said Serial Seasonnaire's shoulder the whole way there .... although I do still have some in varying strengths from previous boarding accident ... :-)

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  13. Anyhoo - nothing is going to beat this year's experience of coach / car back from Glasto - that was an extreme exercise is vomit-restraint. Should possibly have gone to bed sooner than 2 hours before we had to leave. Or just not at all. Anything would have been better than the sorry state I was in.

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  14. I can't imagine how unpleasant that must have been. For me I don't think Glasto coaches are an option. Once at glasto I made the somewhat catastrophic mistake of staying up for the entire event - there was just too much to see, sleeping had no place in the schedule. By Sunday night I had taken just about everything you could conceive of and I was a blubbering, jibbering, hobbling, dribbling, boneless mound of flesh marinating in self-loathing and pity. And then on Monday I had to drive to Manchester to see Roger Waters perform The Wall. After that I got very bad flu. Figures.

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