Perusing the clandestine world of ski forums such as www.natives.com recently I have been enjoying the opportunity of dispensing all sorts of (highly suspect) advice to newbie seasonnaires. Those that know me might detect an overtone of slight bitterness, but this is mainly to do with the fact that I myself am not actually doing a ski season this year.
Still. I like to use my experience for a good cause. So I've been putting together a glossary of essential and pretentious terminology for the new-kids-on-the-mountain so they can stride about resort with confidence, come December. Ladies this is particularly useful for you when you're being chatted up by some snowboard bore in the local bar. You know, the overenthusiastic retarded type with a ridiculous goggle tan who can’t talk about anything except with detailed descriptions of all the tricks he did that day…
“…and then I did a heelside turn and just corked all the way down…blah blah blah…”
At least if you're genned up on lingo, you can a) have a fart's chance in understanding what he's blathering on about b) know that he's talking shite and punch his lights out.....
So here you go:
Punter – A paying ski customer/ anyone sporting an all-black ski outfit or gear made by Spyder with some sort of silly hat and / or wankers who wear sunglasses with a helmet.
Riding switch – The art of skiing backwards. Usually the practice of show-offs, lunatics, park rats, and beginners who have lost control.
Park Rat – Casual, Alpine-getto-garbed hoodlums who are not happy unless sailing through the air upside-down all day. Often to be heard boasting about various shattered limbs.
Cool? 'Fraid not....
Onesie – All in one ski suit. Your common or garden variety usually comes with a bum bag, big pouffy shoulder pads and is often worn by awesome ski veterans or 19-year-olds who think they are being ‘ironic’. Camel toe is a given.
Sailing pretty close to the camel there, if you ask me, Maz.
Fresh Tracks - The golden fleece. When achieved is arguably superior to any other feeling on earth. A single line, cut through a field of pristine, untouched virgin snow.
Beeps – Avalanche equipment. Only twats attempt fresh powder without it.
Pow – an abbreviation of ‘powder’ used by individuals who are either too lazy or too important to say the whole word. You should not attempt to use this terminology unless you are 100% certain you have achieved the necessary level of mountain credibility or you will look like a dick. i.e. Imagine this phrase from the lips of Piers Morgan: “Right, let’s go and shred the pow guys. Yah.”
First Lifts – The first round of chairs before the lift completes its first rotation in the morning. Often intended, rarely achieved, by boozing punters the Alps over.
If only they'd taken this from the front.
Dins – DIN settings. A German standard for the release settings on your ski bindings determined by a combination of your height, weight and boot…Fairly important to know about if you want to avoid rearranging your joints.
Bluebird – It has snowed all night and then you awake to wall to wall blue sky and fresh, untouched powder. A feeling akin to Christmas morning when you’re six years old. Possibly better than sex. Well, oral sex at least.
Cum, in my pants.
Corduroy – The corrugated trails left on the piste first thing in the morning after they’ve been groomed. Very satisfying to ski on. Punters often mistakenly think being the first one to hit this stuff is the same as getting first tracks. It’s not.
Gold Rush – The last two weeks of the season when everyone panic shags.
Jager Bomb – Foul, repulsive drink invented by Satan. A shot glass of Jager dropped inside a one third full tumbler of Red Bull. Toxic. Starts your engine like a mother fucker though.
Part 2 coming soon...
In the mean time here's all you need to know about seasons in one informative video...