Tales of catastophe, sex and squalor from the Alpine Underbelly...

Belle de Neige

Thursday, 27 December 2012

Some more pet hates....

Week 3:

Snow: More of it please. Less rain, would be a happy medium.
Toilets cleaned: 96
Miles of elephant bog roll used: 4 million

Well that's Christmas out the way. If you work in a chalet you will know well that Christmas is not a festive season of joy that one looks forward to with excitement and anticipation but a dreaded, tortuous fiasco that finds one sweltering in the kitchen amid towers of seething pots and pans while the guests overdose on champagne and spend Christmas night chundering all over the chalet while you cower in the kitchen in dread. Now that's over we just have the nightmare of New Years' Eve to contend with. I can almost feel the hangover already.

Anyway to mark this festive season I thought I'd put together a few more of my pet hates for your enjoyment. Now I'm a chalet bitch once again, ahhh it's all coming back to me. From the cupboard of despair (yes, our chalet has one) to hair clogging up the plug hole...Today, I would like to add the following to the list:

Porridge oats
Scoffed as a snack and left to crust on the rim of the bowl in the sink. Is there any adhesive more powerful known to mankind? Seriously? You could build car parks out of it. Can't you fuckers put your bowls in the dishwasher? How hard is it?

Those guests with apparently with no warm blood in their veins whatsoever. They simply have to put the heating on full 24/7 and then ask you to light the fire. Then they go and open the bloody window to let some air in. Well that's energy efficient! I spend the morning choking back the sick as I hoover in a sauna, dehydrated from last night's exertions nailing pints of 1 Euro wine with the Princess of Norway and the Foxy Chef. The heat is making me dizzy. I am going to chunder. It's not an if, it's a when.

Empty Vessels
Which, as the old adage goes, make the most noise. I remember the house keeper of one family we had staying - a sweet woman but as dense as an ingot of solid iron hewn from the cold heart of a distant comet. She spent the entire week hanging round the kitchen babbling at me in a hoarse whisper so her boss couldn't hear and asking inane questions like, "Are you going to put the dishwasher on?", "Is this a pomegranate?" (it was an apple) "How much butter have we got?", "Ooh isn't it snowy outside?" and "Oooh isn't it warm inside?" The thing is she was terribly sweet and helpful - refused to let me clean her room and helped with all the clearing up and I knew she was just trying to be friendly. She was a little like a small, cute puppy unaware that its yapping makes you want to attach kitchen utensils to its head with a nail gun.

...and finally, in true Christmas spirit:

Who sit around the house all day reading and asking for tea and don't go skiing so you can't play music while you're cleaning or drop a smelly beer fart if you need to. Damn them!


  1. Doesn't work on oats on the rim itself but for porridge oats stuck to the rest of the bowl just shove some water in and microwave it and they'll go soft again.

    Peter C

  2. How did I not see this comment until now? That would have been handy to know!


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