Tales of catastophe, sex and squalor from the Alpine Underbelly...

Belle de Neige

Tuesday, 9 November 2010

Some more pithy one-liners from you, the people

Ahhhhh, seasonaires - I love you.

It seems you are a savage breed and take no prisoners when it comes to breaking in unsuspecting young chalet hosts to the field. I knew there was a reason I liked you.

I received an unprecedented outpouring of bile in response to last week's post. Withering put-down and retort suggestions came thick and fast - so here is a collection of some of my favourites.

From Malcolm Tucker classics, for ‘The Thick of It’ fans...to an oddly and coincidentally appropriate excerpt from Anchorman, it seems there is a quotable quote for every stupid request/claim/question from an underling.

In response to any pathetic whining about toilet cleaning:

NOMFuP. N-O-M-F-P. Not My Fucking Problem.

Fuckety-bye-bye then!

I'd love to stop and chat to you but I'd rather have type 2 diabetes.

How can I express how little I give a f^%k?

In response to lip/cheek/sass/blatant lies:

You get sarcastic with me again and I will stuff so much cotton wool down your fucking throat it'll come out your arse like the tail on a Playboy bunny.

When you die/I kill you, the average IQ of the entire world will rise.

Your parents met in the shallow end of the gene pool, didn't they?

I want to screw/be screwed by [insert name here], but that's not happening either.

If you was Pinocchio, you would have just poked my eye out!

...And the winner - for its sheer genius - my personal favourite – GOD I hope I get to use this one:

You pooped in the refrigerator? And you ate the whole wheel of cheese? How'd you do that? Heck, I'm not even mad; that's amazing.

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