Tales of catastophe, sex and squalor from the Alpine Underbelly...

Belle de Neige

Friday, 19 March 2010

When skeletons fall out of the closet

Huh. Interesting afternoon. In a purely random and unrelated to this blog sense...

...sometimes life creeps up behind you, taps you on the shoulder and shows your brain a split second playback clip of something dodgy you've done and then forgotten about or filed neatly in the back of your mind under a section market 'Woops. Moving swiftly on'...

2 things.

Firstly, a ce moment, to fill in the gaps in my negligible income between adventures I am doing a little bit of work on the side for some very lovely friends who run absolutely gorgeous furniture company from their equally gorgeous home. They sell the kind of furniture you'd expect to find in Mary Antoinette's boudoir. Just being in their house is a treat. And is the office an office or more the kind of place you'd expect to find Carrie Bradshaw tapping away on her laptop....? Well, yes. It has funky wallpaper, a chandelier, a diamond encrusted stapler and Bon Maman biscuits, darrrrrling.

Aaanyhoodle. I've been writing product descriptions for their website. Which is a nice way to pass the time and involves use of lots of pleasant descriptive words such as 'lovely', 'delightful', 'beautiful' and 'dainty'. Par example:

'This grand gold gilt ****** with its rattan detail and intricate carvings reminds us of the plush, oriental opulence of the 19th Century. The three oval mirrors can be moved to the perfect angle to make your morning hair styling a cinch.'

For some reason while I was musing away this afternoon trying to come up with new and delicious ways of describing antique furniture I was suddenly reminded of another type of product description I used to write when I was at university. Now, back in the day Sis-in-Law used to work for a.... ahem....sex toys retailer. For a bit of pocket money, yours truly used to write product descriptions.

Once a month, much to the curiosity of my male housemates, a large box would arrive at the door of my student digs, choc full of samples, which I would then test out and describe. Par example:

'The Analiscious butt plug is a delightfully flesh coloured, tapered 11.5cm plug that has a replaceable multispeed vibrator with easy slide control. Slip the Analiscious butt plug firmly into your anus, control the vibrations for an incredible totally anal filled vibration stimulated erotic sensation. The Analiscious Butt Plug comes complete with a delightful sachet of wet lubricant. For that total “anal-iscious” feeling only the Analiscious Butt Plug will do!'

Hum. At least you can call me versatile and say I've had a long and varied writing career. And I find with amusement that the word 'delightful' can be applied both to antique gilt furniture and butt plugs. Which is great.

So...what was the other thing? Well. A few months back I may or may not have had a (ultimately unsuccesful due to K-related performance problems) one-night stand with a friend of a friend of a friend on his friends bed at my friend's birthday party. Poor lad was only a young'n (20 I discovered afterwards - yikes). It was slightly abortive. The poor chap was completely mortified. In the end I gave up, made my excuses and went home leaving him chewing the duvet. And haven't seen him since. Until today when I went for physio at the gym where he works. When I saw him I was gripped with horror. When he saw me his face went purple.

Woops. Moving swiftly on...

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