If I don't come out of this experience a smidgery more eccentric than I already am it'll be a blooming miracle. That's all I'm saying.
slEasy Jet are a bunch of incompetent bastards. I had to pay for two extra seats to get me home, and stand in a queue for half an hour before they would deign to get me a wheel chair. The french check in desk guy was vile:
He: 'Do you 'ave a plasteur?'
Moi: ' Erm, no it's in a splint'
He: 'Zen can you bend your kneeee?'
Moi: 'No, of course I can't bend my sodding knee. That's why it's in a splint, genius. The very nature of splint renders it unbendable'
He: 'You will have to demonstrate to the cabin crew that you cannot bend your knee. Ozerwize you must buy extra seats. We only give special 'elp to people wiv a plasteur''
Moi: 'I am not a performing circus mule. What do you want me to do? Drop my pants and do a jig? You'll just have to take my word for it, petal.'
Eventually I was wheeled onto the flight, where some utter mug, for want of a better word, opened the overhead locker mid-flight and dropped my own crutches on my bad leg. Attacked with my OWN crutches! Has it come to this?
I howled an expletive at him before bursting into tears, while a tired looking mother in the next row peered over at me in disdain for defiling her snotty child's ears with words I shall leave to your imagination.
Then on the way to baggage reclaim some tit bumped into my extended leg - honestly it was like a carry on movie - inspiring me to yell : 'Oi! Jog on mate! Watch where you're going, does this look like a joy ride?'
Which made me feel better.
Have spent the subsequent afternoon sitting in front of the fire at my Dad's smoking prolifically and cackling with my Aunty, who, owing to her fondness for dirty jokes, Marlboro Lights, swearing, whiskey and diamonds, I am increasingly concerned I am turning into.
Leg is now a purplish colour, with hideous swollen knee and mottled effect. It's actually quite beautiful in good light. Let the drinking tea and scoffing chocolate biscuits in my underpants commence! God I'm sexy right now.