Tales of catastophe, sex and squalor from the Alpine Underbelly...

Belle de Neige

Monday, 25 January 2010


BdN has found contentment people. Oh the joy of finding a regular shag pal who doesn't have any ishoos. Things are onto a good rolling boil with Scruffy-but-Handsome. The boy is so laid back he's practically horizontal. Well, he's horizontal quite a lot of the time when I'm around, actually.

His musings are enough to keep any lady entertained for hours...and this is just conversational foreplay. Today after spotting an article about Heather Mills doing that Strictly-Cum-Ice-Twats... or what ever it's called.....he started off on a ten minute rambling stream of consciousness about how if he lost a limb - say an arm - he'd get every possible kind of attachment made for his stump so he was prepped for every occasion. A beer holding attachment, a beer holding while page turning attachment, a hoover arm, a screw in vibrator, a wank attachment, a foot-hand (so he could walk on all threes).... there were lots more.... but I got distracted by him nibbling my ear....

The chance of a good tumble a couple of times a week puts a huge juicy cherry on top of the delectable, creamy chocolate sundae of this little adventure. Yes, you can tell I got laid today can't you? It's fabulous if for no other reason than being able to say, when asked, (in a French, Audrey Tautou style accent) 'Eeeee is not my boyfwend....eeee is my loveur....'

So, here's the thing. It's all very nice having a lover, in theory. But since the major problem for the accommodation-poor seasonaire is privacy, one has to plan, engineer and manufacture situations where one gets the apartment to oneself and the boy. Failing that, one has to shag in all sorts of random places. To this end, SbH and I have come up with a hitlist - AKA the Fuckit list. Destinations of choice include:

Our respective chalets (when we've got no clients in, obviously)
All our roommates' beds. H's and Skater Boy's are already ticked off, much to their chagrin.
The Shelf - This is SbH's bed. A bunk bed which is essentially a plank jutting out from the wall about a foot from the ceiling. Not much maneuverability, or headspace. We will both need to wear helmets.
Off Piste - needs some research, risk of avalanche.
The Chalet Minibus - will have to be in the dead of night, or may get caught/fired/both.
The boss's car - uber risky but uber satisfying.
In the Bubble - a helpful friend yesterday pointed out as we were going up the bubble lift, skis in hand, that 'this particular lift takes 14 minutes'....hmmmn. Interesting.
Chair Lift - I'm a bit dubious but SbH reckons it's doable. Risk of body parts sticking to metal a la Dumb and Dumber....

I'll keep you informed on progress. And I will leave you, my darlings, with this little nugget of hope. I believe that this week I have proved you can actually have your cake and eat it!

A demain....

1 comment:

  1. Now what you need is a skirt ski suit, with legs obviously (don't want you to freeze) but a skirt bit to hide the hole in the necessary place! mmmm... wonder if there is such a thing? good luck, am rooting 4 u x


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